A Moron’s Guide to Bachelor Parties

Summer is here, and that means weddings.  And with weddings come . . . BACHELOR PARTIES! So bust out the booze, strippers and blow because this is going to be the party to end all parties…

That is, if you’re a fucking moron.

The history of the bachelor party was created with the idea that the night before the wedding, the groom would be taken out by all of his friends to get drunk and celebrate his last day as a single man; because after the wedding, he would have a job, wife and family to take care of.  There would be mortgages to be paid and family to attend to.  As the groom, your life as you knew it was OVER. So one last hurrah with the boys would be exactly what you needed…

But things don’t have to be that way.  The mentality of needing a no-holds-barred bachelor party lends the view that your new wife is going to lock you into the ball-and-chain prisoner getup the second you’re married. If this is how you really think, what the hell are you getting married for? Smart guys know that enjoying your own free time with your buds doesn’t stop after you’ve said “I do.”

I’ve been to tons of bachelor parties.  I’ve been to bachelor parties where there was coke for everyone, and the stripper would suck you off if you had some cash. On the other hand, I’ve also been to bachelor parties where we had dinner and went out to a bar for drinks.  My own bachelor party was drug and stripper free, and it was a great time.  I got to open for Doug Stanhope at the Lakeshore Theatre in Chicago, had gay guys buy me drinks in Boys Town and yelled at a food vendor, “Hey Aunt Jemima, quit fucking around and get me a goddamn hot dog!” when I had the drunk munchies at 3am. Bachelor parties can be a great way to celebrate your marriage instead of mourning the loss of singleness.  And if you’re a smart guy, that’s what it is.

The problem may lie in the best man.  Usually, the best man is the groom’s best friend, and he’s most likely single.  They’ve been friends for years, but now the groom is all grown up and getting ready to get married, while the best man is still in that single guy mentality. So the bachelor party becomes all about the guy planning it – the best man.  He wants to do the single guy stuff which is “a fucking blast, man!”  Strippers, drugs, VIP in the club; all of which will help him get noticed, and maybe he’ll even pick up some chicks… Not smart, and also not in the best interest of the guy this is all supposed to be in honor of – the groom. The best man needs to know what the groom’s priorities are.  I’m planning a bachelor party for my best friend, who was the best man in my wedding. He likes the city, he likes baseball, he’s a comic, and he loves good food and beer.  So what are we doing?  We’re going to NYC, we’re drinking, we’re going to a Yankees game, we’re drinking, we’re going to eat street food and in nice restaurants, we’re drinking, and we’re ending the night in comedy clubs, followed by more drinking.  Do you see a pattern in this planning?  There are no strippers involved, because that’s not the groom’s priority.  Besides, we’ve already lived the single life. We have no need in regaling in old tales and adventures of single-dom by means of a bachelor party.

What exactly does that mean?  Of all “The Hangover” type bachelor parties I’ve been to, only two of those guys have remained married.  Of all of the more relaxed “I’m just celebrating with my friends” style bachelor parties, they’re all still married and happy.  Do you get my point?  For those who looked at their marriages as the end of their lives, they needed to get in that last night of debauchery.  They needed to do coke off a hooker’s back and get wasted and try to fuck the girl at the front counter of the hotel because they thought there would be no fun left afterwards.  In short, they weren’t looking at their future with the right pair of glasses on.  For people like me, for guys who look forward to being married to the woman we love, we know that there is plenty of fun left in the future.  In hindsight, the future is way better than single life was, so I didn’t need to become a moronic douchebag during my bachelor party.

So if you’re planning a bachelor party, or are going to a one, remember why you’re going.  Your friend’s life isn’t over.  He chose this woman because he’s in love, and you’re there to celebrate his choice, not mourn the loss of his single life.  If your friend is a smart guy, and he’s marrying the type of woman who he’ll be with for the rest of his life, you’ll be seeing him again at the bar soon enough.