“Gotta check in with the warden, eh?”
Posted By: Mr. This Guy | May 21, 2010 | 1 comment
Lately I’ve been seeing a mass onslaught of anti-marriage rhetoric coming from my single friends. They don’t ask me questions, they just assume, so I figured their ignorance may be mirrored by others in society just like them. So here’s some insight into the life of a married man.
I don’t have to check in with my wife. I’m a man. I can do whatever I want. I check in with her as a courtesy, because I know that I would want to know what she’s up to if the roles were reversed. My friends always give me shit about it, though. They make their snide comments, things like “Gotta check in with the warden, eh?” Or they refer to her as “the old ball and chain.” And that’s not fair, because being married is nothing like being in prison, because even prisoners get time off for good behavior. I’m married. Until death do us part.
We said until death do us part at the wedding, and I think that was a smart move on my part, because I have a way out. Heaven forbid something happens and things don’t work out between us, I can still get out of the relationship . . . one of us just needs to die. At my friend’s wedding recently he and his wife said for all of eternity, to which I immediately thought, “Fuck.” Back off clingy. Who knows what kinda hot chicks died in the 1500’s? Eternity is a long time, and I like my options for the afterlife. I’m all for doing 50 or 60 years down here, but let’s wait and see what happens next before we make hasty decisions.
Do I sound bitter? I’m not. I’m married. There’s a difference. I love my wife and I love being married, because I don’t have to deal with the opposite sex anymore. My single friends are constantly worried about what girls think of them, and whether this one likes them or this one wants to sleep with them. They buy clothes to attract a certain type, style their hair just right, and, get this . . . save money to spend on dates. Suckers. They stress about the next time they are going to get laid. And I don’t have to worry about that. I know when I’m getting laid next – Thursdays and every other Sunday night.
They say that sex stops after you get married, and I disagree. Sex stops when you put a ring on a girls finger and say, “You’re the last girl I’m going to sleep with for the rest of my life.” I’ve seen the one ring that rules them all, and it sits on my left ring finger. When I put it on, I disappear into an altered world. It’s much like this one, but it’s fuzzy and all the girls wear shirts that say “NO” across their chests and my balls have magically been transported into my wife’s purse.
Now that’s not to say that I dislike sex. On the contrary, I enjoy it very much. But I don’t get variety anymore. I sampled the buffet to see what I wanted for dinner, and I picked my entrée. I like my entrée. That’s why I picked it. And I don’t want to get tired of my entrée, so I have to ration the entrée. If I eat the same thing for dinner every night, eventually I’m going to get tired of it. So sometimes I don’t eat dinner. But when I do, I have to try and spice it up, keep it fresh. Maybe try a different side, or some new seasoning.
To spice it up, my wife and I have invented a position that we both enjoy. It’s called “11’ing.” It’s similar to 69’ing in the fact that our bodies mirror the shape of the number. When you 11, you lay next to your partner, straight as a board, not touching all night long. Now, I’m not trying to brag, but we are getting REALLY good at it. Two nights ago, we 11’ed for almost 12 hours straight. It was magical.
So my friends, when you see a married guy out there, and wonder what it’s like, now you have an idea. Given all my complaining, I’d take being married over being single any day.
Continuing the Discussion
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May 22, 20102:19 pm
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