Happy New Year, bitches!
Posted By: Ms. That Girl | January 4, 2011 | 2 comments
It may come as a surprise to many of you that I, Ms. That Girl, actually give somewhat of a shit about making a “New Years resolution”. But, as a matter of fact, I have made several, as typically unconventional as they may be. In order of importance, here are the things I will make priorities in 2011. I personally resolve to…
1. Stop even considering making the resolutions others “strongly suggest” I should make.
To all of you who think it’s the “perfect time” for me to quit smoking: Here’s the deal, people- I smoke cigarettes because I like to, not because I’m addicted and I can’t stop. So how about YOU quit acting like you’re all that goddamned concerned about my health and complaining about the way it smells. Clearly, I enjoy the company of a flaming cancer stick over yours, so if you don’t like being around it, don’t let the door hit ya.
To those of you who have recommended that I cut down on the partying: I’m 25 years old, bro. I’m happily single, I have no children, I have no mortgage and I’m already an accomplished writer. If I want go out and get fucked up six ways from Tuesday, I will. Sorry that you’re too old, or that you’ve ruined your life by settling down way too early. Not my problem.
To the pale-ass losers who lecture me about tanning: Taking 20 minutes out of my hectic day to lay in a tanning bed is a beautiful fucking thing, especially during the winter in the Northeast. This place already makes me want to kill myself, so I should be so lucky if a few UV rays do the trick. That being said, congratulations on living a couple years longer than I will because you spent your entire life pasty and gross.
To all the rest of you with your little “suggestions” on how I should live my life: Mind your business. Seriously. Jesus Christ.
2. Stop wasting so much of my precious time on bullshit, such as…
… gossip. I’m fucking over it. This isn’t highschool. If whats-her-name wants to sleep with a married man, let her. Karma’s a bitch just like she is.
… what a man thinks of me. I’ve come to embrace the fact that I’m as crazy as they come- gives me character. If a dude can’t handle it, well, then he can’t handle it. I try to warn them, I do… why they always insist on trying to tame me and then failing miserably is beyond me. I should just stop wasting my breath and get “Enter at your own risk” tattooed on my hooha.
… broken-record friends. Now, don’t get me wrong- I pride myself on being a good friend. I’m there for my people when they need me, and I give them the best advice I got when they come to me with a problem. But when they start coming to me with the same problem over and over and over, completely ignoring the advice I’ve been giving them out the gate, it starts to become an enormous waste of time for both parties. Ignoring it once is forgivable, but anything more than that is fucking annoying. You obviously just want to cry about it- do it on your own time.
3. Stop giving people the wrong impression. For example…
… If I see you at a bar or something, and I haven’t seen you since high school, I will probably ask how you are. Evidently, this needs to stop because evidently, you think I am truly interested.
… Being that I have a great rack, I’ve become accustomed to showing it off. Unfortunately, this has been a mistake in the past. Not because I’ve looked like a slut, but because I’ve looked like a slut on days when I either have my period, or plain just don’t feel like talking to anyone with a penis because I’ve had enough of that horseshit for the day. Which has led me to the conclusion that I need to purchase more turtlenecks.
4. Continue full force on my quest for getting people to chill the fuck out.
2010′s never comin’ back, guys. And we all have one shot at 2011. Now, if by some chance the little Mexicans are right and this is in fact our second-to-last year on Earth, I hope to be able to say when that day comes that I laughed for most of my time here and that everyone I know did, too. So, I really cannot stress this enough (and you know who you are)… lighten up, will ya?
At the end of the day, I’m a strong believer in there constantly being room for improvement in our lives. Hopefully, 2011 will bring about the betterment we’ve all set our sights on for ourselves. If not, well… sucks. Happy New Year! 
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Aaron April 8, 2011 at 7:14 pm
Just so you know, turtle neck or no we’re looking at the rack. You gotta bind those girls if you want to be left alone. Sorry.
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