How the internet changed my life…
Posted By: Mr. This Guy | January 27, 2010 | No comments
by: Mr. This
For most people the technological advancements created by the invention and growth of the information superhighway have changed peoples lives worldwide for the better. Information, ideas, social networking are now accessible in seconds from multiple sources, you can converse with someone in Japan almost as easily as you once could speak with a neighbor. Gone are stamps and sending letters, gone are rows of encyclopedia’s filling basement shelves, and most importantly gone are the days of masturbating to the Victoria secrets catalogue in your bathroom.
Let me set the stage for you. I work from home about three days a week so I find myself alone in a 13 by 9 home office sparsely decorated from about 8 am till let’s say 4:30 pm each day. Just me, my trusty laptop and a floor that now looks like I’m building drippy drop sand castles on it. This takes real self discipline but also allots be ample time to get in a few quick jerk off sessions while I work. My typical routine is to not jerk it before 10am or after 4pm. To not jerk it more than twice during a day and to do said jerking as quickly and as efficiently as possible. The last part however is becoming more and more difficult.
I remember fondly the days when I would query boobs and scan two or three pages of nice breasts till I found a nice set to jerk it to. Those were a simpler magical time. Even further from my memory are the days when I would actually be able to get a boner from a scrap of porn magazine I would find in the woods somewhere. In telling this story to other friends who live all over the country we all seem to have this weird thing in common. Like the DNA that binds all live together on this wonderful planet we all have found half torn out pieces of penthouse or even filthier pages and/or piles of pornography in the woods near our houses’. Who the hell was out in the woods grabbing a quick jerk in all 50 states? I digress…
Unlike the good old days (1996-2001),now I find myself in a ever growing maze of pop ups and pleasure pages. One page seeming even more glorious than the next. I fumble around with my mouse clicking here and Xing out of there and watch what appears like calculated madness unfold before my eyes and ears and pants around my ankles. There have been times recently where my mastertabatory indulges have lead me astray in the darker side of the world wide web for hours at a time. Its like a perverted Narnia, only C. S. Lewis would have never imagined Alsan getting a tugger on a site strictly devoted to Lion Sex.
My barometer of how big of a degenerate I am being is now based upon two distinct criteria. The first being the speed of video download. Even if its a super hot thumb nail picture of a girl getting jack hammered, which is just what I like to see, and the video takes longer than two or three seconds to buffer then I’m gone. I don’t have time for this shit. This can be extremely frustrating when you finally pick out that one video that you think your going to actually blast it too and it gets stuck in the middle. I’ve actually and shamefully jerked off after an hour of internet trolling for good porn to a blank screen with a little salt timer tumbling over itself. Not my finest hour. My second gauge on the bawdiness of this act and total lack of self will proves ever more just how much of a total loser I have become. This occurs when I have enough open screens that the pages all reconcile to one open page with the little light blinking and judging me underneath that displays 8 or sometimes 10 other porno pages simultaneously open at the same time. I quickly then start to shut down pages I just moments ago saw pictures or videos on that I would have gone back and watched if not for the blinking shame.
When I finally do decide to “complete the act”. An act mind you which has changed dramatically from the first times I would do it as a youth. These days I have a perfect stroke and speed and a sort of poetic grace to my movement that takes years to master and I am still perfecting its ever growing complexities. And lest I forget to mention the biggest change of them all. I actually went from a flame throwing righty to a wicked south paw who throws cheese ( this was done in order to better control the mouse with my dominant hand). Sad, sad indeed.
I’m not looking forward to 2010 and beyond when the internet and its maze of perversion will grow exponentially once again and I will find myself out of touch, technologically inept, and shamefully masturbating once again to scraps of old magazines in the woods near my house….
Fuck you internet…
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