Tight Jeans, Eyeliner, No Talent
Posted By: Mr. This Guy | May 17, 2010 | 6 comments
You know who you are. You’ve spent hours perfecting your look. You’ve got the skinny black jeans on with your white studded belt and a tight t-shirt. You’ve got the emaciated body of a seventeen year old anorexic. You’ve spent hours perfecting the way to hold the mic, to do tricks with it as you swing it around your body with the cord. Your hair is perfect, your eyeliner is flawless. You are ready to perform . . . wait. You don’t have any fucking talent.
The guys “in the band” piss me off. As a professional comic, I live a very similar lifestyle. I’m on the road, I live for the stage, and I drink too much. But I’ve also been in a band: A SIGNED band, with a legitimate record contract. I’ve performed for 10,000 people and I’ve performed for 10. I’ve had to decide whether or not to eat or fill up my gas tank. I’ve lived with four other guys for 3 months in little more than a 15 passenger van with back two benches removed so we could store our gear because we couldn’t afford a trailer. I’ve practiced until my fingers bled, and I’ve gotten myself sick more times than I can count due to loading up the van immediately after a show, drenched with sweat, so we can make it to the next shitty gig on time because our booker sucks at routing. I’ve lived your “dream” because it was my DREAM.
Oh, you have a job so you can’t tour? Fuck your job. Your job sucks, because it’s a job. You think Henry Rollins took working at an ice cream store seriously? Oh, I get it, you just want to LOOK like you’re in a band. Maybe play a few shows locally, get those young girls to think you’re “so dreamy” so you can get laid regularly. Live that dream, you no talent piece of shit. Get off the god damn stage and make way for someone willing to sacrifice everything to live their dream. You’re wasting everyone’s time, including your own. Skinny jeans and gauged ears don’t make the musician. They’re not even qualifiers. Fuck, you don’t even need a single tattoo (but I bet your sleeves are already planned out; you’re just waiting to make it big so you can afford it).
You’re probably a bass player. I can almost guarantee it, because the bass is the guitar for retards- at least that’s what you think. One finger, one note. Why bother learning chords? The bass is the easiest instrument in the band to learn, but the hardest to master. You’re too fucking lazy to even try. And you only know your favorite songs because you don’t practice that much, and the few songs you HAVE written are whiny emo bullshit that MySpace has helped make popular. Which, of course, is where we can find all your music, no doubt done on GarageBand, because you don’t take it serious enough to put down money on a studio and hire someone to produce a REAL demo CD that someone might actually want to listen to.
So, enjoy your life. You’re dead inside, and you know it. Being in a band is cool, so why not try and be cool because Lord knows you are not. But you’ve got the look, which I am thankful for, because when I see you out and about, I know exactly who I have to punch in the dick.
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Dan May 20, 2010 at 12:33 am
No sweat man. Metal/Screamo/Hardcore has been this way for years. Abandon ship dude.
Tim May 18, 2010 at 7:26 pm
I like the cut of your jib. Keep preaching the good word for us real musicians!
DerekVana May 18, 2010 at 5:25 am
Dan I want to aplogize. As I reread your comment, I realize you were mre complimentary than anything.
I’m usually on edge for a little bit after I write something. My bad.
DerekVana May 17, 2010 at 9:57 pm
Nope. This is MY opinion. You probably wear eyeliner, don’t you? Did I offend your sensibilities? Just wait. I wrote this in 20 minutes . . . wait ’til I have time.
My name is Derek Vana and you’re welcome to contact me at any time. I won’t hide behind an owl avatar and one name, because I have balls.
Good day, sir.
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