Review or Rant? You be the judge.
Posted By: E. Rock | April 13, 2010 | 4 comments
Saturday night I was invited to an Old School Party at the old Lagoon in Essington. What’s that? “Old School” you say? I’m in like a double chin. I’ll take any chance at this point for my legs to revisit the movement that has since raised the stock price for ACE knee braces. I heart aging.
The last [and only time] I’ve ever gone there was on a Sunday about 6 years ago. I remember it being spacey, yet dingy, and filled with the wonderfully colorful and generally trashy local residents. Marlboro Red and Newport smoke filled the place and the music at that time wasn’t much better than pumping Q102 & Power 99 in your beat up Chrysler New Yorker Salon. The girls were buttered up and barely squeezed into their little sister’s miniskirts and halter tops. The boys were flip-flopping between dead-eyeing other guys in an attempt to hold a cock-measuring party and sloppily grinding against the 5% of girls there that had any kind of sexual appeal. I say “girls” and “boys” because I saw very little maturity in the eyes or actions of these classy patrons.
Since then, the Lagoon has changed its name to The Deck. Located at Harbor Pointe in south-eastern Pennsylvania, they rest right up against the Delaware River. I assume they’ve renamed it The Deck to commemorate the beautiful, multi-story wooden deck that extends out into the river. It holds an outdoor bar, a staging area for live performances, space heaters for the cooler nights, plenty of seating and tables, and a view across the river that is better than most views of New Jersey. Truly, the deck is the best way to sell this venue.
The interior has also been refurbished, not as grandly so, but still rather well done. They added custom built copper bars with a very attentive and friendly bar staff, metallic Ralph Lauren walls, an extra room on the side with a separate DJ and dance floor, decent sound and lighting system [which they refer to as “state of the art” but is not much better than before], and a dressed up cushy seating area nicely separated from the bustle of the bar/dance floor scene.
So here’s the deal I was given… Old School Party, $30.00 all you can drink top shelf from 9pm – 1am… buffet… and guess who was going to be there? K7 & TKA! Now for any of you who seriously clubbed in Philadelphia in the mid to late 90s, you know how often K7 was around. We must’ve seen them live at least a dozen times in 5 years. Egypt on Delaware Avenue was especially known for hosting this free styling, party-minded crew. Zunga Zunga Da Zunga Zeng…. And to say the least, I was pumped to see these guys again. They always put on a good show, the five of them up there dancing and singing all our favorite 90s dance jams while their DJ spun up a remix to get the crowd hyped up.
What I saw Saturday night was a sham at best. The only “old school” hints of the evening were a projected video screen depicting early 90’s hip hop videos and the live performance line-up. I don’t need to tell you that if you’re showing old school music videos, but the DJ is playing the latest Jay-Z, Luda, or Lady Gaga remixes, this hardly falls under the category of an old school party. I kept watching the screen wishing they’d turn the damn volume up and the DJ down. THAT’S what my feet were yearning for. Jesus balls, at that point I would’ve taken Craig Mack. I’ll give you flavor in your ear.
Do we even know who TKA is? I mean, we’ve heard their songs [“Louder Than Love”, “Maria”], but what happened after those releases? Here’s a hint: they disbanded around 1992 and Kayel [the K in TKA] started recording under the name K7 bringing us such greats as “Swing Batta Swing”, “Come Baby Come”, and “Hi-De-Ho”. So basically, to advertise TKA AND K7 is like selling snow cones AND water ice. Bastards. And please don’t argue with me the difference between snow cones and water ice. Chips of ice + sugary flavoring = both of them.
So here I am, drinking my 7th rum and coke (I stick to liquor if I’m planning to dance), awaiting something, ANYTHING that brings me back to the days of old when I couldn’t help but bust out some robotic funkdafied poppin flavor. I didn’t hold back too long, settling for some of the more current jams that keep me moving. “She’s nothing like a girl you’ve ever seen before…” [love that beat]. I got to sweating on the dance floor, gently displaying my rhythmic talents and enjoying myself until the DJ ruined the vibe with some re-re-remixed Brittany trash.
Finally it was time for TKA/K7 to take the stage… I was beside myself waiting for the 5 of them and their DJ to put on a show like I remembered from not so way back when. “Maybe they will save what’s left of my hopes for anything Old School tonight”. What I saw instead was disheartening. Three guys instead of five took the stage, the lead singer [which I can only assume was Kayel or K7] and two backup dancer/singers [Los & Tre Deuce] who I didn’t recognize but assumed were either part of TKA or K7 at some point. The dancing amongst the three of them reminded me of a 4th grade play complete with missteps, unsynchronized foppery, and awkward glances between them. I recognized each step from 10 years ago. I was two drinks shy of jumping up on stage and doing it with them. They sung all of our favorites including “Maria” and “Come Baby Come”… it was about halfway through their act that I realized that Los and Tre Deuce were lip-synching their parts besides the “Ugghs”, “Put your hands up!”, and “yeah yeah that’s right!”. For shame.
The dance floor during all of this was crowded with trees. Standing idly by waving their branches but rooted to the floor. I stayed out of the forest. But I’d daresay they’d be better used to build an even bigger deck.
To K7/TKA/whatever, hang it up boys. You had a good run. Let’s not beat a dead Maria. I miss Lydia’s rose tattoo just as much as the next guy, but I’ll be damned if I’d be jumping her bones 20 years later. Or get back to the drawing board, hire some dancers who can contribute to the song, bust out a new routine, etc.
To the Deck/Lagoon, you’ve done some wonderful things aesthetically to your facility [I actually look forward to an outdoor event there in the summer], but to draw in a crowd with the promise of an old school night, and then to present it the way you did is despicable. Bring a true old school night there and I guarantee your clientele improves, as will the public perception of your establishment.
For more info on The Deck, see www.thedeckathp.com.
For more info on hiring K7 for your 35 year old son’s wedding, check them out on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/K7TKA/81484268735?v=info&ref=ts.
4 Responses
Subscribe to the RSS feed for comments on this post.